Going for the Goldblum: Vibes

All right, everybody, time to get out your Jeff Goldblum “From Zero to Hero” Sliding Scale.

Good. Now, cross out whatever you have down for the absolute worst piece of garbage thing you’ve ever seen Jeff Goldblum in, because this week’s movie is our new low!

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Going for the Goldblum: The Fly

If at some point in the last forty years you have seen Jeff Goldblum in something and thought, well, that’s an attractive man, which of course you have, then let me assure you that in this movie you will witness at least one moment that will surpass even the greatest of those.

As long as you don’t have a problem with near-mullets, anyway.

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Going for the Goldblum: Into the Night

Here we are, at Jeff Goldblum’s first starring role: Into the Night. Top billing. No ensemble. It’s all him! Too bad it’s in such a mess of a movie.

Goldblum is an insomniac who’s fucking up at work and discovers his wife is cheating on him. So, one night, he jumps in the car and drives to the airport. To escape? Mindlessly filling the hours? It’s hard to tell. What he does manage to do is rescue Michelle Pfeiffer from a group of pratfalling Iranian bad guys and then go driving aimlessly around Los Angeles while she tries to offload the emeralds she smuggled into the country. (Director John Landis plays one of the Iranians, so that might give you a sense of how responsibly they’re portrayed.)

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Going for the Goldblum: Buckaroo Banzai

Hoo boy. I don’t even know where to start.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. It’s a sci-fi action comedy. Buckaroo Banzai, of course, is a practicing neurosurgeon theoretical physicist test pilot who also fronts the world’s most low-energy band (until the Decemberists sprout from a pile of peat moss roughly fifteen years later) and invents a device that lets him drive through a mountain/other dimension, which means that the bad aliens can finally go home (somehow) and the good aliens have to get Buckaroo to stop them. Or something.

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